Thursday, September 26, 2013

Odd Feelings

My life flipped out on me.

Ever since my classes have started, my life decided to flip on me. No longer am I chasing after a dream of writing and boy who cannot make up his mind. I'm now chasing my self in a life that makes literally no sense. I'm sitting and dwelling on this overwhelming feeling I've recently obtained. A feeling a young girl like me shouldn't have. A panicky feeling of terrible feelings and nasty senses. Its disgusting. I'm a switch. I'm on and off; bright and dark. Over and over and over and over again. They say if you're not up and down; you're dead. But if we're strictly speaking about heart beats; mine is spiking unnaturally and I'm not breathing. And I hate it.I'm looking at my life right now because It changes every second and I'm trying to track where I went wrong and how can I predict my next move. And in doing that I'm forgetting to look around. I'm quickly learning that life is a full time job; no wonder I was so suicidal when I was younger. And what really sucks; now that I've gotten older I care too much- so I'm stuck here. And I'm a whiner bitch than I ever was. But that's what this blog is for; To be a whiny bitch and not care because I hate Facebook and tumblr and twitter or whatever is so popular to whine on at this moment. So I'm stuck. I guess I've always been stuck. Like in the dark and waiting for anything to happen and when nothing happens I go and do it for myself and then I mess everything up. So what can I do; If I wait like a princess I'll never get anywhere. If I go out like Pocahontas, I screw everything up for myself because I'm destructive. Life is so annoying to me. But possibly; I'm the annoying one to life. Self destruct is a word that sounds like its summing up my life. I'm self destructing and things are going haywire and I'm sweating under the pressure. But hey, that's life. So why am I bitching? 

 Because if I didn't- Who knows what I'd do.

My path of life has been completely flipped upside down and inside out. I'm now working three jobs, and every time I try to work those jobs something happens almost giving me the inability to do those jobs. My life is pissing me off. 

This overwhelming feeling, feels dark. And I don't like it. I guess this is called growing up; if that's true- I want to be five again. Please let me be five again. Please.